lolita_no_more (lolita_no_more) wrote in lo_philes,
lolita_no_more
lolita_no_more
lo_philes

Growing up?

Hi guys,
I just joined today..

i'm 20 so im not really a lolita anymore. i feel kind of sad about that..
i have a fear of growing up.. i dont want to be a woman.

everyone gets older, we can't stop time..
im terrified of turning into charlotte haze. but i guess its inevitable.

i saw the movie version of lolita when i was 16 yrs old.. i remember having the biggest crush on jeremy irons..
lolita reminds me of me.  i've always liked much older men ever since i can remember.  my first older bf was 42 and i was 14 at the time. he was a grown man and i liked the power i had over him, knowing that i could make him do whatever i want, that he'd do anything for me.  we never went further than kissing.. but it was fun to tease him. ive had secret relationships with many older men.. some of them weren't so nice.. most of them took advantage of me.   

i was an only child for 12 years.. i was a daddys girl. i miss that.  i know my attraction to older men is based on my relationship with my dad.  he just got more and more distant as i grew up. i dont even talk to him anymore.  i like older men because i still want a dad in many ways. i can understand why lolita liked humbert. she didn't have a dad growing up and she wanted the love and attention of someone important in her life.  

i want a guy to love me the way he loved lolita. he took care of her. he treated her like she was special, the most perfect girl in the world, and he was obsessed with her. he loved her truly. like in the end how he says "i looked and looked her..and i knew as surely as i know that i will die..i loved her more than anything i'd seen or imagined on earth" and "i would still go mad with tenderness at the mere sight of her face". its the perfection of true love

i'm 20 yrs old..  i'm a woman.. i feel like i'm not loveable anymore.
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